Families are systems—living, breathing, emotional ecosystems. When one part of the system is under stress, the ripple effects can be felt everywhere. One of the most common—and damaging—patterns that shows up under stress is something called triangulation.
It sounds technical, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you learn how to stop it, your family dynamic can shift in powerful and healthy ways.
🔺 What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when two people in a relationship avoid direct communication about a problem by bringing in a third person—usually to reduce tension, gain an ally, or deflect responsibility.
It’s not usually intentional. It’s a coping mechanism. But it creates confusion, resentment, and instability—especially for children.
Common examples:
- A parent vents to the child about their partner instead of addressing it directly.
- A child “plays” one parent against the other to get their way.
- A parent tells the coach or therapist to “fix” their child without looking at what’s happening at home.
- One sibling becomes the emotional buffer between arguing parents.
🚨 Why Triangulation Is So Damaging
At first, triangulation can seem harmless. It feels like connection or relief. But the long-term effects can erode trust and connection:
- Children feel stuck in the middle and develop anxiety, people-pleasing, or anger.
- Spouses stop communicating directly and grow emotionally distant.
- Blame gets passed around, and no one takes real ownership.
- Resentment builds, especially when one person always plays the “go-between.”
- Emotional safety disappears—no one feels sure where they stand.
Even more importantly: it teaches children to avoid direct conflict, instead of learning how to work through it.
✅ How to Avoid Triangulation (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)
Here are practical ways to keep your family out of the triangle:
1. Name the Pattern
Start by calling it out with compassion:
“I think we might be stuck in a triangle here—can we step back and talk directly?”
Just naming it breaks the automatic behavior.
2. Talk To People, Not About Them
Model direct, respectful conversations. If you’re tempted to vent to your child about your partner, pause and ask:
“Is this something I should be taking directly to them?”
3. Don’t Make Your Child the Messenger
It might seem easier to say, “Tell your dad to…”
But it trains the child to carry adult emotions they aren’t equipped for.
Instead:
“I’ll talk to him about it later—thank you for listening.”
4. Teach Emotional Boundaries
If your child says, “Mom said I could,” respond with curiosity:
“Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to check in with Mom and we’ll decide together.”
5. Stay Out of Other People’s Fights
Encourage family members to speak for themselves:
“That sounds like something you should talk to her about directly. I’m here to support you both.”
🔧 Problem-Solving the Tough Spots
Even when you know better, old habits can sneak in. Here’s how to handle some of the most common challenges:
➤ “But my child comes to me first—it feels like we’re bonding.”
Yes, emotional sharing is good—but processing adult problems with your child puts pressure on them. Bond through play, presence, and support—not sharing things beyond their role.
➤ “One parent isn’t willing to engage.”
You can only control your side. Stay in your lane. Avoid triangulating them back. Set a tone of calm, clarity, and directness. Kids learn from what you model.
➤ “It’s easier just to talk through someone else.”
Short-term ease leads to long-term tension. Teach your family that direct communication—even when awkward—is a sign of respect.
❤️ The Takeaway: Build a Stronger, Healthier Family
When families move out of triangulation and into direct, emotionally responsible communication, everything starts to shift:
- Children feel more secure.
- Parents feel more respected.
- Conflict becomes a doorway—not a dead end.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being aware. The more you notice and interrupt triangulation, the more trust and connection grow in your home.
All the Best!
Luke